Preemptive Nostalgia

I wish someone would have told me that the months go by too fast, that she'd change so quickly, that I'd start to forget......how little she was, how she'd sleep all the time and fall into a milk coma after nursing, how she was so fuzzy when she was just born, how her tiny lips would form little "o's" and triangles, how she would sleep on his shoulder held up just by his forearm. 

I guess they did tell me but like everything in life I didn't really get it until now, until the time had already passed.  I see moms with their shiny new babies, sleeping peacefully in a room full of people, wrinkly with funny shaped heads and oh so tiny.  I want to tell them, it will go by so fast, they'll change so quickly.....  but I don't.  People have already told them that, I'm sure of it and I'm also sure that like me they won't truly get it until the time has passed. 

I took pictures of her laying in bed nursing the other day, he saw them and asked why, I started to tear up....because I'm so worried that I'll forget.  Sometimes the things that make me tremendously happy are same things that make me so incredibly sad because I just don't want to forget. 

This is my third post as a part of Just Write an exercise in free writing.  See my first post here.  See my second post here. 

Happy Monday!

What did ya'll do?  We had a wonderful, relaxing weekend and had the best time on Sunday at a local Balloon Festival.  We decided to go last minute and brave the 5am wake up to get there in time for the scheduled 6:30 launch.  Lucy slept the whole car ride and woke up happy as a clam when we got there - (thank goodness).  Unfortunately because of the fog no balloons were able to launch but it was still magical to see all these colorful balloons take over the skyline and Lucy was mesmerized.   Did you do anything unexpected over the weekend?

 

The best part....

The absolutely best part of my day lasts for about 15 minutes, it doesn't happen everyday, but the days that it does make me oh so happy. The days when my husband, Lucia and I have a couple of moments in bed playing. Esposo hiding from Lucia under the covers, she giggling like crazy when she finds him. Tickling. Blowing raspberries on her soft belly. Esposo gently kissing me on my forehead, Lucia looking on quizzically. Lucia giving us "kisses" (which are really little licks) on our cheeks. Me playing with Esposo's gorgeous dark hair. Lucia crawling, standing, tumbling. Her drooly smiles showing off her her two new teeth. Then suddenly time is up - back to laundry, cooking, showers, diaper changes, but those few moments are always the best part.

"Snickers" bars

I've been perusing the latest Bon Appetit brainstorming what to make for dinner guests next weekend and I think I've decided on the dessert, homemade "Snickers" bars. Don't they look amazing?  I can't stop drooling over them, I need them in my belly!

Fear

She woke me up at a happy time this morning, 7:15. Laying next to me babbling and holding her feet. I bring her close to me and nurse her knowing she last ate at 5 and is always ready to eat. We quietly get out bed trying not wake him. She's smiling, thrilled at the prospect of a new day. I unlock the door to the bedroom and bring her to her room to change her diaper and get her dressed for the day. She pees on the floor, I clean it up. I put her in her crib with a bunch of toys to entertain her while I shower before we head to the library. I leave the door open to the bathroom so that I can peek out at her from the shower. I put in the shampoo, peek out and call her name, she responds with a smile and a shriek. I duck back into the shower, rinse, put in conditioner. I peek out, but I don't see her. I strain to look out further, soaking the bathmat. I don't hear her. I call out to her, there is no response. I panic, my mind races with tragic scenarios.

Someone stole her, I tell myself as I rush to rinse out the conditioner. Someone came into the house during the night, waited for me to take a shower and took her.

I pause, don't be ridiculous I tell myself, she's in the corner of the crib you can't see from the shower, practicing her standing. Relax. She's fine.

Unable to convince myself I get out of the shower, cover myself with a towel and hurry into her room. She's fine. She's in the corner of the crib you can't see from the shower, practicing her standing. My whole body relaxes.

When did I become so afraid? It seems that fear has waxed and waned as a figment in my life. As a child I was never afraid of monsters, I was afraid of serial killers. In elementary school at the breakfast table I would first read the comics and "Dear Abby" and then the police blotter. I would follow national crimes in the newspaper on a daily basis. In the middle of the night if I heard a strange noise (or an ordinary noise like the heat turning on) I would tremble in my bed or if I was particularly scared I would call out to my mother although I don't think I ever actually told her what I was so scared of. I tend to have periods of time when I'm more scared than others usually when a big crime story was going on. As an adult living in the city I would arrive home by myself late at night and barely give it a second thought, I felt comfortable knowing that people were all around me. As a professional I have heard more stories of trauma than most people could stomach but I can't watch crime shows or hear about national crimes because they get my mind thinking and then I can't sleep. I convince my husband to sleep with the bedroom door locked. I'm suddenly back in a phase when I'm fearful a lot. It seems it has gotten worse again since she was born. I don't worry too much about things like germs or colds like most new moms do, that would be too rational. I worry about is her being killed or kidnapped, just writing that gives me a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach and quite honestly it makes me feel crazy.


This is my second post as a part of Just Write.

Lucy's Bedtime/Naptime Demands

- Mami & Papi's bed. No a crib just will not do. Please don't even try it, I can scream and cry way longer than you stand to listen to me. If you try to trick me by letting me fall asleep in Mami and Papi's bed and then move me to my crib, I will wake up, not immediately though I prefer to play tricks as well. My favorite is to let you think I'm sound asleep and then wake up screaming once you've settled comfortably on the couch, 15 minutes into Jersey Shore with a bowl of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie Frozen Yogurt. Once we've repeated this scenario in half-hour increments, you will give up and put me in my rightful spot in Mami & Papi's bed.
 
- Mami or Papi must be present....But really preferably Mami because I want her to nurse me to sleep.
 
- I must be touching/pinching some part of skin to fall asleep, I am impartial to any particular body part, elbow, chest, eyelid, lip, all will suffice.
 
- I will periodically check to make sure you're still there for the duration. If you decide that you urgently have to pee and get out of bed for 2.2 seconds to do so, I will wake up.
 
- If I wake up and you are doing something other than sleeping, i.e, listening to your iPod, texting, reading... I will refuse to sleep any longer and request that you forfeit all electronic devices or reading materials immediately. However if I do wake up and you appear to be sleeping I will check by pinching your face and neck, when you respond I will smile and return to my sleeping state.
 
- I like to sleep like a starfish, in the center of the bed.
 
- Lastly, if I can not get comfortable in the middle of the night I will act out ninja moves, interspersed with some pinching of random body parts and periodically press my face into your face.

I can't get this apple out of my head....

Seriously the most delicious candied apple ever (Leo & I split the toffee crunch one) and they do weddings too... wouldn't candied apples be the perfect favor for a fall wedding?

A Fall(ish) Weekend

Crisp air. Family. Pizza :). A hay ride. Carmel covered apples. And the coziest pants ever (I may need to get them in multiple colors).

JCrew

Day Trip

Its been pretty rainy lately and we've been feeling cooped up so the other weekend we headed to MASS MoCA - have you ever been?  The installations are amazing, it was such a great place to spend a rainy day.  It was also just so refreshing to do something new and different. It seems since Lucia was born we've said no to so many things and events, worried about her getting tired, or fussy, or crying in the car but now we've gotten to the point that we've simply accepted it.  She might cry or fuss in the car but we'll get through it, things might be more challenging sometimes or more fun.  In fact the trip to MASS MoCA was great, did she have a total meltdown for the entire ride home? Yup, she sure did.  Have we already forgotten about that by now? Yup, pretty much.

See Leo in the background with Lucia tucked into her Ergo?

Story time

(source)


We walked to story time today.  She snug in her carrier pressed against my chest, occasionally looking up at me and smiling.  I point out things to her as they pass....red truck, puerta azul, grass, arbol, un senor, un perrito, un pajaro....she looks at me blankly, staring in wonder at the leaves rustling in the warm September breeze. 


We pass the fire station, several firemen are outside cleaning one of the firetrucks.

I whisper to her in Spanish, "your great-grandpa was a fire chief".  I think of my grandfather, he died when I was 15.  I remember climbing on the trucks as a young child and cheering with pride when he would march pass in a parade, "that's my grandpa", I would say, "he's a firefighter". 

Back in high school a hippie friend and I went into a headshop and the owner told my friend about the amazing, colorful aura she could see around her.  When I asked about my aura, I was told that I don't have one.  The woman dressed in batik told me that I have a big old man who watches out for me and lets me go a little off track to learn but when I've gone too far off he pulls be back.  I think he's grandfather.  He watches me.  He watches my daughter.  I am grateful to know that he's there. 

I still wonder though, why don't I have an aura?  Was I not born with one?  Or did I somehow lose it along the way?  How do I go about acquiring an aura?  I think I'd like one. 

This post is linked up with Just Write an exercise in free writing.